Early Christmas Present

Since everybody believes in something, I figured I'd give everybody an early Christmas present this year...

If you're a little kid, take a look at Santa flying to Earth to deliver his presents.

If you're a conspiracy theorist, as is video narrator Scott Waring apparently, take a look at aliens flying away from the sun.

If you're just a normal everyday person, take a look at the cool imagery that we can capture these days using NASA's "Solar and Heliospheric Observatory" satellite.

If you're a science-based person, take a look at what is most likely a coronal mass ejection, or a chunk of the sun's surface blowing off.

Either way, I respect you all equally. Keep doing your respective things, so that we can keep this big old world going round and round.

Merry Christmas, everybody!!!

The Curious Case of the Same Name Dame

What would you do if you bought non-refundable around-the-world tickets with your girlfriend, but you two called it quits before the day came to use those? Would you go looking for another random lady with the same name -- in other words, a complete stranger -- to go on that trip with? That'd be a weird, awkward way of dealing with that situation, right? Apparently, not for a Toronto man named Jordan Axani.

Oh, and there's just one more minor detail: the girl he chose is "in a serious relationship" with another dude!

First and foremost, this trip-offering dude's a homewrecking sleezeball. There's no two ways around that one! And, this lady -- I guess she expects her boyfriend to just be okay with her going off and celebrating the entire holiday season and then some (Dec. 21 through Jan. 12) travelling the world with a total stranger and staying in the same hotel as this mystery man? If the roles were reversed, I'm sure the 23-year-old would never stand for her man doing her that way. Am I right? Remember, people, you should always do unto others, as you'd want them to do unto you. Then again, the decisions we make at 23 are not always the best ones. This girl still has a lot to learn in life.

The only person who looks good in this story is the serious boyfriend back home, as he's offered her way more than the normal levels of relationship trust. Clearly, he deserves somebody better than this good-timing gal. I hope he figures that out as he stands all alone under the mistletoe this Christmas, and that he runs for the hills!!

Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame's 30th class of inductees was announced today, and I am elated to see a lot of my go-to musicians make the cut...

Joan Jett: With her jet black hair, spiked collar, leather jacket and all that eyeliner, she has a certain bad-ass look to her, but she can also power chord the crap out of a guitar. One of the first chicks to really push the limits in music, if not for her no-nonsense attitude, there'd probably be no Madonna, Shirley Manson, P!nk, Sleater-Kinney, Courtney Love or Ani DiFranco to speak of today. From her early days with The Runaways to her later days with The Blackhearts to her solo career, there ain't a musical platform she hasn't conquered. This is one chick who truly does love rock and roll, and that's why I'm glad she will be getting inducted into the Hall this April.

Bill Withers: He's essentially the complete opposite of Joan Jett, and yet he's also among my all-time favorites. Whereas she was a fast-paced liberal white girl who was rocking out and becoming famous super early in life, he was a slow-tempoed conservative African-American male who didn't score his first hit until the age of 33 when he released "Ain't No Sunshine." Stick that song between his other mega-hits, such as "Use Me" and "Lean On Me," and you'll have the perfect recipe for a soulful introspection.

Lou Reed: One of two musicians on this list being inducted for the second time -- the other, of course, being Ringo with The Beatles -- Lou and his artsy glam-rock friends led a cultural revolution during his days with the Velvet Underground, before he branched out into a very successful solo career. Not to steal a line from one of his songs, but the day he gets put in there again will be... "such a perfect day." I just wish he were still alive to see it. May you forever rock in peace, "godfather of punk and grunge!"

Stevie Ray Vaughan: Whenever people talk "greatest guitarist of all-time," Stevie Ray's name always comes up alongside the likes of Jimi Hendrix, Eric Clapton, Eddie Van Halen, Carlos Santana, Jimmy Page, B.B. King, Jeff Beck, Slash, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Ritchie Blackmore, etc. Though that's of course a subjective argument, one other thing's not -- his band, Double Trouble, blazed straight out of Texas in the '70s and into the annals of electrified blues-rock. Simply put, his music's as real and heartfelt as anyone's!

Ringo Starr: Although he's arguably most music fans' least favorite Beatle, people don't realize that the drummer was the first of the group to have significant solo hits after the band's break-up in 1970 with songs like "It Don't Come Easy" and "Photograph." He's also worked behind the scenes discovering talent, producing for other musicians, doing soundtracks for movies and still touring on occasion with his All-Starr Band. This man never stops working, and that's why he's now a two-time Rock and Roll Hall of Famer. If anybody deserves it, it's you, Richard Starkey!

Green Day: When I was a kid, three slacker kids with three different neon-colored haircuts (blue, red and green, if I remember correctly) blew up the airwaves with an album called Dookie, which featured such hits as "Basket Case," "Longview" and "Welcome to Paradise." They became such an entertainingly fun mainstream act that this blog writer even stitched the band's patch onto his high school bookbag. Fast forward a full 10 years, and American Idiot was introducing a whole new generation of punky misfits to the now black-clad rock trio sporting red ties, but still not taking themselves too seriously.

For those keeping track, this year's inductees brings the number of acts in the Hall of Fame to 312 in total. Congrats to the newest inductees!

Popular Science

The other day, I took “Betsy,” a.k.a. my car, to the dealership for the experts to sort out all her minor issues. I knew I'd be there a few hours, so I started reading... and reading... and reading.

I read parts of a book my fiancée got for me titled Heaven Is For Real, I read several different sections of the USA Today newspaper that was sprawled about the dealership, I even read a magazine that I probably never would have read had I not been in this very situation, a magazine called Popular Science.

The latter turned out to be one of the cooler things I've read all year, as it contained images and blurbs of the “100 Greatest Innovations of the Year,” some of which I didn't even know had been created and others which made me think how I wished I could get paid to create such things.

The December 2014 edition of that magazine, which was the one I was browsing through that day, really opened my eyes to the fact that scientists have such a cool career. Since I doubt anybody really reads my blog, but yet I still feel inclined to share some of the neat things I learn on my journey through life, here are just a few of those inventions to stimulate your minds.

1. Bionic Arm

Founded by R&D firm Deka and approved by the Food and Drug Administration in May, the Luke Arm is the first prosthesis that allows a person to make multiple movements, such as rotating the wrist and opening the hand, at once. The Star Wars-named product works by using electrodes on the skin near the attachment site to pick up electrical impulses signaling muscle contractions, and then submits those to a computer in the prosthesis. The processor then translates those messages into motion of the integrated elbow, wrist and hand. Users can also coordinate complex movements with a joystick-like sensor on their shoe. Though Deka has yet to announce a price or commercial release date for this product, they did perform a clinical trial, in which 90 percent of the 36 participants were able to do previously impossible tasks, such as unlocking a door or using chopsticks.

Remember when we used to watch The Six Million Dollar Man on television and think Steve Austin's “parts” were so far into the future? Well, Doctor, it looks like it wasn't that far into it, after all, as we humans have now caught up to that technology. What's next: the flying cars from The Jetsons?

Well, sort of...

2. Real-Life Flying Saucer

The Low-Density Supersonic Decelerator – or “LDSD,” for short – is a prototype flying saucer that allows NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory to test and improve deceleration technologies, such as parachutes and balloons, in order to best determine what kind of drastic braking system works well at hypersonic speeds. After all, we want to be able to land safely when arriving at alien planets, don't we?

I don't know about you, but the one thought I kept having while reading up on this thing is that maybe this is what people report seeing out in the skies every once in a while, as I'm sure they must've already taken it out for a test drive or two, no? Do the people who have to address alleged UFO sightings have to be told about such innovations and when scientists will be out doing test runs on them? I've so many questions on this creation, but very few answers.

3. Bendable Television

Me, personally, I've never understood what the big deal is with having ginormous-sized televisions, but then again, I know squat about T.V., other than I like watching The Walking Dead on mine. Nevertheless, even I can respect the improbability of having a bendable television screen. I grew up in an era where screens were hard as a rock, so even the mere idea of bending a T.V. never, ever crossed my mind until I saw one in this magazine. Apparently, some people love the idea of a curved television, but many hate that it has a smaller sweet spot, so Samsung went ahead and addressed this minor issue by releasing its Samsung 78-inch UN78S9B, allowing viewers to have it both ways by simply adding a button. Push once, the edges of the semi-flexible LCD curve inward about 15 degrees. Push a second time, the panel returns to its original planar state. Voilà, problem solved, you can now watch Daryl Dixon shoot an arrow through a walker's head the way it was meant to be seen!

4. Unhackable Phone

I bet you that Jennifer Lawrence, Kate Upton, Kim Kardashian, Hope Solo and Gabrielle Union, among others, are now wishing that they'd bought the Silent Circle Blackphone, instead of their respective iPhones. Had they, their nude photos wouldn't now be out there for all the perverts of the world to view. Why? Because the hypersecure Blackphone ensures that all communications remain private when being transmitted to and from the device. The phone, which runs on PrivatOS, a custom version of Android, can also encrypt calls and texts in conjunction with an app suite, as well as enable private web browsing and cloud storage. Messages and calls have unique encryption keys, so only the sender and recipient can decode each one. For $629 (including one year of service), you'll never have to put your faith in the data vulnerabilities of a cellular network again. That known, I'm still not going to be taking photographs of my genitalia anytime soon. You're welcome, world!

5. Perfect Steaks

 

After pizza and lasagna, steaks are my next favorite meal. However, a good steak can really go bad quick, if the person making it doesn't know exactly how to do so. Good news at that end, though: the new $180 T-fal OptiGrill!

With it, you'll get a perfect steak every time because it takes the guesswork out of your cookout by answering any questions you might have automatically. The person making the steaks selects the type of meat and the desired cooking level, after which sensors embedded in the top and bottom grill plates detect the thickness of the cut. A processor crunches that data to determine the ideal cooking time.

6. Unbreakable Display                              

Fun Fact: 1 in every 4 iPhones has a cracked screen.

Fun Fact: Lab-synthesized sapphire is one of the hardest materials on Earth.

Fun [Belief]: We now live in a technologically-dependent society.

Knowing all these things, I'm surprised somebody didn't think of creating a virtually indestructible phone using lab-synthesized sapphire sooner. But hey, as the old adage states, “better late than never,” right? Alas, Kyocera debuted one earlier this year with its Sapphire Shield. Nearly impossible to scratch, its display screen can survive a fall from twice the height of what a regular glass display screen would normally be able to survive.

However, I've seen 2001: A Space Odyssey, and I really don't want HAL surviving when we toss him to his doom in order to avoid becoming an even more technologically-dependent society, so lets be careful how and when we use this particular innovation. Cell phones: yes. Computers: no.

'Nuff said.

Warning: Sugar Overload!!!

Did we not learn anything from the Super Size Me film, in which documentarian-provocateur Morgan Spurlock ate nothing but McDonald's food for one month and messed his insides all up by gaining 25 pounds, suffering liver dysfunction and entering into a depressive state? Apparently not, because an Australian filmmaker and TV actor is now following in his destructive footsteps.

Meet Damon Gameau, director of the upcoming That Sugar Film, a man who vowed to follow a strict diet of "healthy," low-fat food with high sugar content for 60 straight days...

Gameau, once a beacon of health, began turning moody and sluggish within the first three weeks of his project, so he went to see a doctor who told him that he was beginning to develop fatty liver disease, the most severe outcome of which is liver failure. At this point, he had already added four inches to his waistline and was on the fast track to obesity.

My words of wisdom to Mr. Gameau had I known him at that time would have been, "You know that can't ever be undone, right? Stop this nonsense immediately!" However, this man just kept right on messing himself up, the end result of which can be seen in Australian movie theaters in February 2015.

Though I certainly wish him well on this endeavor, as I do everyone on theirs, I can tell you right now that I won't be among those watching his documentary for two reasons.

First, I really hate seeing people, especially soon-to-be fathers like Gameau, doing dumb things to themselves and their bodies just for what I feel is their 15 minutes of fame. You have a child on the way, and your silliness might have just cost that child an added number of years with his father. Our actions always have repercussions -- if not immediately, then somewhere down the road. And secondly, do we really need a film to tell us that eating 40 teaspoons of sugar daily, which is what Gameau was consuming during this period, is bad for a person? No, we all pretty much already know that! After all, the American Heart Association's recommended daily amount for men is 9 teaspoons. There's a reason for that.

Before I continue, let me just state that the reason I wanted to post this blog wasn't to chastise Mr. Gameau or put him down in  any way. On the contrary, his intentions seem like they are those of a very kind man wanting to make a difference in this world. In his own words: "The last meal was for all the people out there, especially parents, who are led to believe they are doing the right and healthy thing for their children. They are making an effort, yet are horribly let down by the lack of integrity in marketing and packaging strategies."

Rather, I just wanted to add to the narrative of this whole experiment by saying that we don't need any more men or women directing this type of movie, going out there and risking their own health to prove a point we all already know. We all knew McDonald's was bad, the same way we know sugar has very few upsides to it besides taste.

For future reference, eating solely one thing for a month or two -- no matter what that thing is(!) -- will always be bad for your body. That's why it is recommended that we always "balance" our diet, not binge on any one thing. Now if it's something that's typically bad for you anyway, like "junk food" from McDonald's or sugar which gets people wired on a daily basis and eventually causes their body to crash, the damage will easily be doubled or tripled.

Stop being foolish and risking your health to prove a point that's already been made multiple times by things such as the food pyramid, recommended consumption dosages and dieting books. The fame you might garner from it is just not worth it to your body. That said, now that the damage to Mr. Gameau's body has been done, may he at least get whatever he hoped to ascertain from all of this. I wish you well, Damon, but I refuse to be an enabler (any further than my writing this blog post). Good luck to you, sir!

Phil Rudd

So apparently, AC/DC drummer Phil Rudd was busted trying to hire a hitman to kill two people for him in New Zealand.

A couple of things about this story:

* I just heard about it yesterday, but I have to admit, it shook me all night long!
* They’re dirty deeds for sure, but did he want them done dirt cheap?
* I guess he really is on the Highway to Hell now.
* Some might say that it takes some big balls to do something like that.
* Looks like he wanted those two guys to just fade to black.
* You think Satan will still ring Hell’s bells for him when he arrives?
* I wonder if he implored them to use T.N.T. (dynamite)?
* Or, maybe he preferred that they be shot down in flames?
* Well, hell, either way, if you want blood, you’ve got it!
* He always did tell us that money talks.
* I can’t believe he wanted that hitman to give those guys more than just a stiff upper lip.
* Well, we all know what the hitman does, but what do you do for money, honey?
* Will the hitman have had to shoot to thrill Phil?

Okay, I’ll stop with the jokes already since they’re obviously in poor taste, but I just had to get a few in first because, well, I just couldn’t help myself. After all, it seems like every single AC/DC hit lends itself to this story. I mean, honestly, after this fun exercise in wordplay, I’m kind of wondering if they weren’t maybe trying to tell us something the last 40 years?

Either way, for those about to rock (him into a jail cell), I salute you!

The Engagement

So, this just happened this weekend...

... and, she said "yes!" :-)

Halloween Horror Nights

So we're now officially in October, and what holiday does that bring us? Why, my favorite one, of course – All Hallows' Eve, a.k.a. Halloween!

Carve your pumpkins, hang your ghostly decorations, bust out the old black and white monster movies, and don't forget to buy candies and sweets for the neighborhood kids – or to prepare your razor-filled apples, if that's more your thing – no worries, I ain't here to judge. Plus, if you do that, it gives me an actual excuse to eat, err... “check,” my niece's and nephews' goodies.

(Haha, just kidding: no razors in the apples this year, please! You can't joke with people anymore because they're taking things a wee-bit too literally these days, hence this disclaimer.)

But anyway, I digress... no, wait, did anybody actually ever do that? Great, now I'm curious! Let me check Snopes and I'll be right back. (Yep. See what I mean about people?)

Crazies aside, Halloween, to me, is a time to dress up and act silly. I guess that's because I never bit into a sharp object, so that doesn't really register with me, although one Halloween I did get shot at from a car with two adult males in it, the driver of whom was wearing a baby costume. I didn't really get a good look at the other guy, since I had to hop a neighbor's wooden fence and run for dear life.

However, on a typical Halloween, things like that don't happen to me. On the contrary, Halloween's typically a very fun night for me.

When I was younger, I used to invite friends over and go trick-or-treating throughout my neighborhood. Kids don't really do that much these days, though. Too many whack-a-doodles out there, I suppose. As I morphed into a teenager, I'd host horror movie marathons at my place, and occasionally, my friends and I would halt a movie to go pull pranks on little kids (such as jumping out from the bushes to scare the unwitting trick-or-treaters). Boy, weren't those the days?!

Once I entered adulthood, costume parties, haunted trails and masked pub crawls became the norm. I wish I could remember those more, but my brain and my booze – though they certainly know how to have a good time together – ain't the best tandem when it comes to recalling stuff.

This year, however, my girlfriend, my best friend and I decided to switch it up and work our way toward Universal Studios for “the largest Halloween event in the nation.”

Featuring my favorite horror movie of all-time (Halloween), my favorite non-syndicated T.V. show (The Walking Dead), the current ongoing summer horror movie franchise (The Purge), as well as rides such as the “Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit” and “The Simpsons Ride,” this night was definitely going to be a very memorable Halloween Horror Night!!

My girlfriend is extremely – and almost comically – afraid of Michael Myers. As we walked into that house, which looked like a perfect reproduction of the Haddonfield house in which little Mikey stabbed his older sister back in 1963, I could feel my girlfriend's nails clawing into my skin and her body quivering. Every single time Michael popped out, I felt her jump. That's why I wasn't surprised when we got to a room that featured like eight or ten different Michael Myers' lined up in a row, to hear her scream like eight or ten different times. If I hadn't experienced anything else that night, that alone would've been worth the price of admission. But alas, there was more!

As we were walking passed the Dracula-themed haunted house, just outside the Revenge of the Mummy rollercoaster, we heard a loud monotonous siren going off and we saw a truck driving into our pathway. Of course, we stopped to see what this was all about, when suddenly, the truck stopped, the back doors flung open, and out came a bunch of armed folks in masks to take hostages. Turns out, we had walked right into The Purge's scare zone, and I was one of several who decided to take a photo with the guy in the “God” mask, which I did notice Universal Studios switched up to read “Dog,” I guess so as to not offend anybody? Regardless, this was as close as I'll ever be to actually being in that movie, so it was neat watching it play out all around me.

[Side note: Those movies don't really make much sense. If you could commit any crime you wanted for 24 hours, what sane person would really desire to kill people? Aside from the irrational serial killers living among us, if you could commit any crime you wanted and have it be legal, I think the grand majority of us would prefer to be out robbing banks, no? I truly believe that The Purge would make me rich, not get me killed by some dude in a white magic-markered mask, but maybe that's just me 'cause I know I'd be all about the Benjamins once that siren sounded.]

Surely, with the Halloween house scaring my girlfriend so, and The Purge activities drumming up the fanboy in me, my best friend was feeling a bit left out by this point, so it was time for us to give him something, too. Considering he's the biggest Simpsons lover I've ever met, his holy grail awaited behind a large sign that read “Krustyland.”

He'd never been on “The Simpsons Ride” before, so we took him there to experience four and a half simulated minutes of an afternoon gone awry in Springfield with an out-for-revenge Sideshow Bob, an out-of-order Krustyland theme park and an out-of-the-radiation-room giant Maggie. Though I never directly asked him, I could see it in his face that he thoroughly enjoyed the ride. Afterward, the three of us walked over to the rest of The Simpsons-themed section of Universal Studios, which included all the famous restaurants from the television series, such as Krusty Burger, Moe's Tavern, Cletus' Chicken Shack, The Frying Dutchman, Luigi's and Bumblebee Man's Taco Truck, as well as the world famous Kwik-E-Mart. As sure as I am that I am not pagan and should therefore probably not be commercializing the crap out of their holiday, I'm sure that my pal was in heaven drinking his Buzz Cola and eating his Chicken Thumbs.

After we'd all had our individual joys met, we ended the night having some joint fun at the Walking Dead house, which was cool because it gave us a glimpse into this upcoming season's Terminus setting. Much like in the Halloween house earlier, this haunted house contained a room chalk full of zombies. Like a bajillion of them! (Maybe even a bajillion and one.) It was brilliantly creepy, and the perfect way to end our awesome night.

So if anybody out there's looking for something fun to do for 2014's “spooky holiday,” I'd highly recommend going to check out this year's annual festivities at Universal Studios' Halloween Horror Nights. The tickets are a bit pricey, but at least you can get somewhat of a discount using the code found on specific Coca-Cola products.

For those of you who do decide to go, please don't forget to give my best to Michael Myers, the zombies stuck at Terminus and “God Mask.” I definitely wouldn't want any of those people getting mad at me, as they're not exactly known for having the best tempers!

The Wise Woman's Stone

By no means am I a perfect being, and that's why every so often, I try to better myself where I can by reading short little self-help books. Today, over dinner, I was reading one titled 101 Daily Affirmations for Confidence and Self-Love.

As I sat there munching on my fish sandwich and sipping at my ginger ale, all I kept thinking about was how authors of books like the one I was reading so unselfishly take time out of their busy schedules to help out people like me who're continually looking for guidance in their life. I wish I could have such a helpful soul, but much like Jim Morrison of The Doors, "I see myself as an intelligent, sensitive human with the soul of a clown, which forces me to blow it at the most important moments."

Anyway, as I kept thinking those aforementioned thoughts about unselfish authors, it made me recall an ancient Indian parable I'd heard years before, which goes something like this...

A wise woman who was traveling in the mountains found a precious stone in a stream. The next day, she met another traveler who was also hungry, so the wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did so without hesitation. 

The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime, but a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise woman.

"I've been thinking," he said. "I know how valuable the stone is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even more precious. Give me whatever you have within you that enabled you to give me the stone."

Consider this my own personal way of giving a little unselfishness back to society.

Minesweeper - The Movie

With all the movies based off of games that they've released recently ("Battleship," "Ouija," etc.), I'm kind of surprised that they haven't made a full-length movie spoofing them all yet. If you're going to make a movie about a game, methinks that's really the only way you can make one actually worth watching... by not taking the subject matter too seriously.

Case and point: Minesweeper - The Movie.

Beware the Malintents!

To those reading my blog (if anybody),

I know you already know this, but just as a friendly reminder, and as my PSA for today, please be careful what you post online. Some people are so quick to post anything and everything on their social media accounts, not realizing that there are bad people out there that want to take your information and use it with malicious intentions. Let's try to avoid falling victim to any of that stuff. The reason I mention this is that I've just read yet another article about people posting way more than they ever should even be thinking on their Facebook pages and suffering the appropriate repercussions for it. I personally don't even understand why people like sharing their dirty laundry with the world, but nevertheless, this kind of stuff is only funny if you ain't the victim of it. Let's not be the victims, please. Be careful what you put out there.

Sincerely,

Al

States with the Rudest Drivers

Some people call them our nation's "rudest drivers." I just call them the "interesting ones." Frankly, if it weren't for these people, would driving on our roadways really be as fun? You know you like them, don't deny it. After all, they're the ones who turn even the most humdrum of voyages into an adventure!

I am a little disappointed, though. "Why?" you ask. Simple: My home state's not listed on here anymore.

For four straight years at one point, and seven years in a nine-year stretch, my state owned this list. We were tops on it, year in and year out. Now, we're nowhere to be found?! I mean, seriously, I still drive on our streets, and nothing's really gotten any better out there, so what's happened? Did all these other states suddenly just get a lot more "exciting" or something?! Either way, we'd better adjust and step-up our game road rage, oh blessed state of mine, or we may be deemed a "nice state" soon. We wouldn't want that now, would we?

My girlfriend's state did get a mention, though. In fact, her birth city was mentioned. She must be so darn proud!

Obviously, I'm kidding here. It sucks to be on this list, and I thank my state for finally getting us off it.

To the rest of y'all still on it, check out where exactly you fall by clicking on this here link.

Paraprosdokians

Paraprosdokians: Figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected, and frequently humorous. Apparently, Winston Churchill used to love them.

01. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
02. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
03. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
04. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
05. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
06. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
07. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
08. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
09. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify:” – I always put “Doctor.”
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not so sure...
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit "the target."
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

How Many Passes Did You Count?

S ☺ M ☺ I ☺ L ☺ E

This is the one common thing that I've learned from observing my four favorite women...

     My grandma...

          My mom...

               My girlfriend...

                    My niece...

9/11

Alan Jackson once sang, "Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?" Coincidentally, I was in A.P. American History class.

Class got interrupted by a kid opening our door and yelling "turn on the T.V.!" We did, and we knew right away that what was going on within the confines of that projection screen would someday be laid out within the writings of this classroom's textbooks.

But hey, we're America, one of the greatest countries out there, so we helped one another through it, and here we are now, some 13 years later, still standing strong...

Happy Patriot's Day!

Beautiful Persons

Fun Fact of the Day

When I was growing up, a small grunge band named "Mookie Blaylock" was blowing up. They blew up so much that they were eventually forced to change their name because a certain NBA basketball player for the New Jersey Nets didn't feel comfortable with them using his name. He eventually grew to appreciate their music, though, and the band even named their 1991 CD, Ten, after the baller's jersey number. That's how the legacy of Pearl Jam began. I tell you this for no other reason than I found it fascinating.

Goodbye, Kitty! Hello, Turtles!

I'm a dude who grew up playing with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, Power Rangers, wrestling action figures and Marvel superheroes, so I never really thought I knew all that much about Hello Kitty. I believed she was a cat cartoon from Japan, and that was basically all I claimed to know.

Apparently, I knew even less than that. I knew NOTHING!

According to Sanrio, the company behind this cutesy cartoon, she is neither cat nor Japanese. They claim that she's a "little girl" from London. Well, the London part, I can buy, since I've never really heard the thing speak. However, I've never met a "little girl" with fur, cat ears and whiskers. Hell, that's the kind of thing Wes Craven or John Carpenter might throw into one of their horror movies to give us all nightmares!

At least when Disney pulled this stunt with Goofy a few years back, claiming that he wasn't a dog and leading us all down the speculative path of wondering whether he was in actuality a skinny cattle, as some Disney reps have claimed, or a fox, as other Disney reps have stated, it made some semblance of sense, since Goofy ain't really supposed to be something normal, but rather something "goofy." Hence, his name. But here, it makes absolutely no sense: the thing looks like a cat, nobody ever assumed it was anything but that, and the darn thing even has the word "Kitty" in its name.

So yeah, Sanrio might want to stop spreading that backstory ASAP. I'm not claiming to be a marketing expert or anything -- in fact, I don't think I've ever sold more than 50 units of anything in my whole entire life -- but I'm pretty sure their fanbase, with not a single Y chromosome to be found among them, much rather play with a cute little cat than some weird mutant English chick.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system, let me switch the topic of conversation from one anthropomorphic creature to a whole 'nother group of them. My guy friends, my girlfriend and I have finally decided what we're going to be for Halloween, and I'll give y'all a hint...

 

That's right, speaking of mutant cartoons, we're actually going to be repping them this Oct. 31st, as the TMNT!

Cowabunga, dudes!

Al Meets World

I grew up watching Boy Meets World on ABC's TGIF line-up every Friday night, and so when I heard that the Disney Channel is now airing a spin-off show called Girl Meets World, I just HAD to check it out. I was pleased to see that the writing of Michael Jacobs and April Kelly has kept much of its same kind of educational humor, and that the new show has kept the spirit of the old show alive. As somebody who also grew up watching Friends as part of NBC's "must see" Thursday night line-up (which was the best TV line-up ever, since it also consisted of a little show called Seinfeld) and was really letdown by its Joey spin-off, this was a very welcomed surprise, to say the least!

Not only that, but it even kept the same Friday night format as its predecessor. The only difference now is that Riley and Maya aren't exactly Hangin' with Mr. Cooper on the Disney Channel. But hey, if Mark Curry and Holly Robinson Peete are up for it, maybe they can soon be Hangin' with Mr. Cooper's Child. (Disclaimer: Disney Channel, if you choose to pursue this horrible idea, I will insist on my 10% creator's fee. LOL!)

However, what is it about both of the "Meets World" shows that I find myself relating to so much? Is it the fact that they face serious issues with a laugh, or that I know that no matter who's mad at whom, everything will again be copacetic among my favorite characters within the next half hour because everybody knows just the perfect thing to say at all the right times? I don't know what it is about the humor on those shows that so metaphorically pulls on my heart strings, but it certainly does, so now any time I need a smile, I will check my local TV listings.

It's funny because I used Boy Meets World to socially adapt to my school systems growing up, and now I'm using Girl Meets World to help me raise my niece and nephews, so that franchise has served me well through the years.

And that little pick-me-up from watching Girl Meets World certainly worked yesterday when I woke up to find both a nail and a bobby pin lodged into separate parts of my rear passenger-side tire and had to start off my day by replacing it. I mean, seriously, what are the chances of having two separate things puncture the same tire on the same day? Like 0.01 percent? I feel like I won the lottery that nobody wanted to win yesterday, so hooray for me! But on the plus side, I replaced it with its spare quickly enough that it didn't affect the rest of my day at all. I still got to work on time and everything, so all's well that ends well.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to find out why they call those things "bobby pins."

Happy Hump Day, everybody!

Rest In Peace, Robin Williams!

Celebrity deaths don't usually affect me all that much because I don't read tabloids, and therefore, don't ever really feel like I know any of these people on a personal level. However, for some reason, what Jon Cryer said about Robin Williams -- "we will try to carry on, but it won't be any fun without you" -- is ringing true to me right about now.

I'm not really sure what it is, but there was something about Robin Williams that made you feel like he was a genuinely sweet person, that his everyman personality wasn't just some Hollywood façade. The best way I can describe it is that he reminds me -- and probably you, too -- of that crazy uncle you look forward to seeing at family reunions, the one who always makes those forced rendezvous seem sooo much more fun.

But, in reality, we don't even know this man. It's not like mourning the loss of a true friend, but rather a hilarious and touching muse that comes and goes, since we only know the parts of him that he chose to share with the world: the space alien from the planet Ork, the Vietnam War-era DJ, the clownish doctor, the shape-shifting genie, the cross-dressed nanny (read: diehard father), presidents Ike and Teddy, the professor encouraging us to seize the day, an adult version of Peter Pan, the guy aging at four times the rate of a normal person, the mad scientist, the guy stuck in a jungle board game, the spinach-loving sailor with the oversized forearms, the boss of an ad agency, and so on, and so on.

And since that's the only way we know the man, that's the only way I can see fit to honor him. So without further ado, here are my five personal favorite roles played by Robin Williams...

5. Seymour Parrish, One Hour Photo (2002): In this movie, Robin Williams played an obsessive photo developer whose loneliness eventually goes horribly awry and turns him into a stalker. The role was so pleasantly disturbing that it made me forever view the man I used to watch imitating dolphins on nature documentaries as a child in a whole new, much-more-menacing light.

4. Armand Goldman, The Birdcage (1996): Being a longtime fan of Mr. Williams' stand-up career, I fancy myself a good judge of what would and wouldn't be fun for the man, and I can almost guarantee you that Robin must've had fun playing a gay man pretending to be a straight man opposite a cross-dressing Nathan Lane in this updated and relocated version of the musical La Cage aux Folles.

3. John Keating, Dead Poets Society (1989): This film was about an English teacher who inspires his students through his teaching of poetry at a conservative, somewhat elitist school, and I eventually became a professional journalist and published poet after earning a Bachelor's Degree in the field. Need I really go any further in explaining why this movie appealed to me so much as a child? [Insert corny cliché about me "seizing the day" here, but only if you absolutely must.]

2. Genie, Aladdin (1992): Putting aside the fact that this is my all-time favorite Disney full-length animated movie and that without it my childhood wouldn't have been as happy, I also feel like Robin Williams was born to play this role. What other comic or actor that was famous in the early '90s do you know that can so flawlessly and easily portray a character who uses something like 32 different voices throughout the film? The only ones I can think of are Robin Williams and maybe Jim Carrey.

1. Sean Maguire, Good Will Hunting (1997): I consider this movie about an unrecognized genius trying to find his way in life and essentially being guided there by Williams' Dr. Maguire character a masterpiece from beginning to end, and have long heralded and cherished it as one of my overall favorite films because it touched me on so many different emotional levels. For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of watching this movie, seriously, what are you waiting for?!

Here's just a taste of what you're missing...



Honorable mentions also go out to Good Morning, Vietnam (1987) and Mrs. Doubtfire (1993), which got cut out only because I said I'd pick five, not because they weren't great films. They absolutely were. Robin Williams was definitely an amazing actor/comic, so from all of us remaining back here on Earth, thanks for the memories, you crazy uncle, you!

Finding Nada

This past weekend was my niece's fifth birthday, and I am getting a little bit old (I guess!), so there we were, two 40- and 30-year-young people, the girlfriend and I, driving around in a car after the party. Our mission: to find a good horror film to help us get out of little kid mode.

[By "good," I don't mean like the recent horror films that have blood and guts flying everywhere and things popping out at you faster than Jay-Z found his 100th problem in Solange, but rather one of those slower-moving films from the '60s or '70s that really messed with your head and left you sleeping with one eye open. Those are the kinds of horror films we like. Most of them hardly even showed blood, yet after watching them, you were afraid to shower alone ("Psycho"), babysit in a non-open concept home ("Halloween"), pick up a hitchhiker ("Texas Chain Saw Massacre"), or even put too much faith in religion ("The Exorcist"). Thrillers like those are what we were seeking.]

So we went to Redbox and started browsing to see what they had in their horror collection, but their oldest movie was from 2009 or so. We weren't looking for that, so we turned to Netflix. They had a better selection, but still, instead of Halloween, they'd have Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers, and instead of Friday the 13th, they'd have Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, instead of Fright Night (1985) and Carrie (1976), they'd have Fright Night (2011) and Carrie (2013), it was always some crappy remake of the classic that they had on there. We didn't want that -- we wanted the classic!

That said, what would be your next move?

I don't know if you answered correctly, but we sure as heck did not. We acted the way anybody who grew up in the '80s and '90s would act. We hopped in our car and started driving toward the nearest movie rental place. Only problem with that is... I now realize movie rental places no longer exist.

Girlfriend: You want to go where?
Me: Blockbuster.
Girlfriend: There's still a Blockbuster somewhere? I thought they went out of business.
Me: They did? Okay then, Hollywood Video.
Girlfriend: Um, honey... they also went out of business. I think.
Me: You sure?
Girlfriend: Pretty sure.
Me: I guess one of those ma-and-pa movie rental joints then, like "Lion's Video" or "Klassic Rentals" or something.
Girlfriend: I don't think they have those anymore either.
Me: So where does one rent a movie from these days then, if not Redbox?
Girlfriend: I don't know. Let's ask Siri.

Siri's so helpful, she found three movie rental places for us, one of which is now a nail salon, another of which is now a tech support center, and the last of which is -- wait for it -- an adult movie store.

Yeah, we wanted "The Exorcist," not "The Sexorcist," but thanks anyway!

This is what it's like living in the world once you're older than 20. It ain't easy, but it's always fun, almost always an adventure, and supplies you with more than enough reasons to laugh at yourself.

Happy birthday, dearest Olivia! I can't wait to see you try to "Find Nemo" in the year 2044!

With Love,

Your Soon-To-Be Hapless Uncle

Life's A Journey, Not A Destination...

Resurrection

I'm back from the dead and starting fresh. Every day's a new day, and I'm happy to start writing and posting stuff again. Boy, how I've missed the pen keyboard!