[By "good," I don't mean like the recent horror films that have blood and guts flying everywhere and things popping out at you faster than Jay-Z found his 100th problem in Solange, but rather one of those slower-moving films from the '60s or '70s that really messed with your head and left you sleeping with one eye open. Those are the kinds of horror films we like. Most of them hardly even showed blood, yet after watching them, you were afraid to shower alone ("Psycho"), babysit in a non-open concept home ("Halloween"), pick up a hitchhiker ("Texas Chain Saw Massacre"), or even put too much faith in religion ("The Exorcist"). Thrillers like those are what we were seeking.]
So we went to Redbox and started browsing to see what they had in their horror collection, but their oldest movie was from 2009 or so. We weren't looking for that, so we turned to Netflix. They had a better selection, but still, instead of Halloween, they'd have Halloween VI: The Curse of Michael Myers, and instead of Friday the 13th, they'd have Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood, instead of Fright Night (1985) and Carrie (1976), they'd have Fright Night (2011) and Carrie (2013), it was always some crappy remake of the classic that they had on there. We didn't want that -- we wanted the classic!
That said, what would be your next move?
I don't know if you answered correctly, but we sure as heck did not. We acted the way anybody who grew up in the '80s and '90s would act. We hopped in our car and started driving toward the nearest movie rental place. Only problem with that is... I now realize movie rental places no longer exist.
Girlfriend: You want to go where?
Me: Blockbuster.
Girlfriend: There's still a Blockbuster somewhere? I thought they went out of business.
Me: They did? Okay then, Hollywood Video.
Girlfriend: Um, honey... they also went out of business. I think.
Me: You sure?
Girlfriend: Pretty sure.
Me: I guess one of those ma-and-pa movie rental joints then, like "Lion's Video" or "Klassic Rentals" or something.
Girlfriend: I don't think they have those anymore either.
Me: So where does one rent a movie from these days then, if not Redbox?
Girlfriend: I don't know. Let's ask Siri.
Siri's so helpful, she found three movie rental places for us, one of which is now a nail salon, another of which is now a tech support center, and the last of which is -- wait for it -- an adult movie store.
Yeah, we wanted "The Exorcist," not "The Sexorcist," but thanks anyway!
This is what it's like living in the world once you're older than 20. It ain't easy, but it's always fun, almost always an adventure, and supplies you with more than enough reasons to laugh at yourself.
Happy birthday, dearest Olivia! I can't wait to see you try to "Find Nemo" in the year 2044!
With Love,
Your Soon-To-Be Hapless Uncle
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