23andMe

Trappist-1 (& The Rest Of This Great Big World)

Clicky right here.

If there's a system of seven planets orbiting the star known as Trappist-1, and we know three of them are at least as hospitable as Earth, AND we're about to up our technology to allow us to observe traces of extraterrestrial life from afar, I'd tend to believe those nerds in Anonymous on this one. Of course there's more life out there than just us! After all, there's still a whole 'nother ginormous world out there that we have yet to even venture out to. Somewhere in this vast horizon, we need to have some company, otherwise what a waste of space this would all be! And trust me, everything happens for a reason, this vast amount of space wasn't just created to be wasted out there. You can trust that something's going on somewhere out there! When and where, we've yet to find out, but there definitely has to be more to life than our social media nonsense and fanatical religious wars bullcrap. There's got to be more to everything we thought exists, and I can't wait until we actually start discovering some of it! C'mon, science!!

U.S.-Backed Forces 1, ISIS 0

A record was recently set. To find out what it was, click over here.

Now, I don't know about you all, but I've been shooting since I was a child. Pistols, revolvers, rifles, shotguns, machine guns -- you name it, I've shot it. I've always been pretty darn good with my shots, too. "A natural," I was dubbed. First shot I ever took JUST missed the bulls-eye. Two shots later, there it was -- my first ever bulls-eye! I've rarely ever missed a target I've aimed at. And when I applied to join law enforcement (not telling you to what extent I'm still in that field), I scored tremendously high marks. Nevertheless, 3,450 meters seems downright unfathomable to me! Up to about 600 meters, you can bet your arse that I will strike what I'm aiming for, but that's up to where my vision can see and I can know 100% that I'll connect. This Canadian sniper with the joint task force just nailed a moving target that is almost six times further than that. Even shooting a McMillan TAC-50 sniper rifle, a.k.a. a gun that does a lot of the work for you, that is still dang impressive to me. I don't think I could hit that shot if I tried it 100 times, esp. not on a moving target. MAYBE a stationary one, maybe... but probably not. Hats off to this guy, and hats off to all those Canadian snipers at the top of the charts. What, are they focusing their training up there to sniper shooting? Y'all are really impressive to me! *Applauds.*

In honor of your incredible feat, I give you the musical stylings of one Mr. Steve Lee...

Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake

This was clearly scripted, otherwise why wouldn't the cameraman jump in to help? Plus, wouldn't a guy who has been making his way through a 95-degree forest have at least one sweat mark on him? I'm also guessing that snake had probably been devenomized beforehand. Nevertheless, I still wouldn't mess with an Eastern Diamondback Rattlesnake, so this is a pretty crazy video to watch. Nick the Wrangler, here's hoping you get that reality show you're probably shopping around for. Thanks for the entertainment!

 

Cobalt

Funny Seinfeld-esque story happened to me today...

So I'm at work shredding a whole bunch of papers when I look down at my arm and see this skin disease-looking thing happening there. It sort of looked like I had dirt spread about my arm and a little bit of scaling going on, too. Was I becoming a lizard?

After getting scared, but thankfully before booking a doctor's appointment, I decided to surf the internet -- a.k.a. the knower of all things -- for an answer as to what this particular thing might be. I kept getting two results (acanthosis nigricans and age/liver spots), neither of which really looked like what I had going on.

Then, thankfully, I came across a blog that had the answer for me in the form of a mom panicking about not being able to wash the dirt off her daughter's skin and starting to freak out worse than I was doing. See, she'd already booked the doctor's appointment and gone there. Turned out, her daughter had nothing more than what I had.

In her case, it was blue bed sheets. In mine, it was my grandfather's blue couch cushion. See the connection? That's right, they're both blue!

Apparently, blue items like those are often dyed with "cobalt," which is a substance that if you make contact with long enough, will rub off onto your skin and give you those patches of dirt. And no, they won't come off with soap and water, no matter how many times you wash yourself.

Good news: They do come off, but only with alcohol patches.

So if you think you're turning into a lizard or a dirty pig, before you go running to your skin doctor, try rubbing some alcohol patches on yourself first. If the residue comes off, you've probably fallen victim to the same cobalt dye that I did. If it doesn't, then good luck with your acanthosis nigricans (or whatever other skin disease applies)!

Extra Extra, Read All About It -- Man Chops Off His Own Penis! (*Eek!*)

I'm usually a "live and let live" kind of guy, but I don't know what it is lately -- I've been a little cranky. Maybe it's the stress from planning a wedding piling up, considering it's now just 80 days away... who knows?

But anyhow, I saw that Yahoo this morning featured a story on "Juicy Brucey" Jenner having had gender reassignment surgery in January 2017 (because they've got their daily Kardashian quota to meet, y'know?), and now the dude wants to cash in on that super private surgery by writing a memoir about it, while at the same time turning around and being all, like, "it's none of anybody's business." You're right, Bruce, it's not, so PLEASE stop making it our business! You getting your ding-a-ling removed does nothing to affect my life, so hey, man, have at it, but please stop telling me every last detail about it because, honestly, I don't give a hoot!

At least, I didn't! However, since you want to keep bringing your brand of crazy into the spotlight, fine, I'll add my two cents, too, and I'm sure it's nothing you've yet to hear. (This is why some things are probably best left private, and your "privates" should always be one of them!)

I just don't understand when we made it a thing to promote self-mutilation! It's not that you have the "wrong parts," it's that your brain thinks you do. "Gender Dysphoria," or "Gender Identity Disorder," is a mental condition. That's right, it's a disorder, Bruce. What your book won't tell us is the metric ton of counseling, hormone concoctions, plastic surgery and anti-depressants that you will now have to endure for the rest of your life to keep your body from doing what it naturally wants to do, and of course, ensuring you are the way you were "supposed to be." I mean no disrespect to trans people -- hell, I've even got one in my own family whom I love very dearly, but that doesn't change my thoughts on this topic -- and I don't want to hear "you don't understand" because, you're right, I don't, and you don't either, which is why the first thing you want to do is change yourself to the polar opposite of who and what you are in order to find contentment within yourself.

But hey, news flash: You can play make believe and dress up all you want, but no matter what you do to change yourself, it won't ever stop you from being who and what you are. No matter what you call yourself, when you look in the mirror, the same "Juicy Brucey" will always be staring back at you. Maybe before going and chopping off your penis to sell some books, you should've made peace with the inner Bruce, rather than the outer Caitlyn.

Good luck with your book, Mr. Olympian, and God bless the U.S.A.!

PS: Since I know you live and think like a Kardashian, next time you want to sell some books, please don't write about who you're sleeping with. I'm begging you, please don't! One weird breakfast having to read about penis-chopping was bad enough, I really don't need a second one reading about who'll be draining your swamp!

PPS: Can you and the entire Kardashian clan just get out of the news already? Really, the world needs a break from you all!

Two regular dads murder a trap beat!

I've had this song stuck in my head all day, so now it's time for me to share the wealth. Keep putting in that work, regular dads!