Cobalt

Funny Seinfeld-esque story happened to me today...

So I'm at work shredding a whole bunch of papers when I look down at my arm and see this skin disease-looking thing happening there. It sort of looked like I had dirt spread about my arm and a little bit of scaling going on, too. Was I becoming a lizard?

After getting scared, but thankfully before booking a doctor's appointment, I decided to surf the internet -- a.k.a. the knower of all things -- for an answer as to what this particular thing might be. I kept getting two results (acanthosis nigricans and age/liver spots), neither of which really looked like what I had going on.

Then, thankfully, I came across a blog that had the answer for me in the form of a mom panicking about not being able to wash the dirt off her daughter's skin and starting to freak out worse than I was doing. See, she'd already booked the doctor's appointment and gone there. Turned out, her daughter had nothing more than what I had.

In her case, it was blue bed sheets. In mine, it was my grandfather's blue couch cushion. See the connection? That's right, they're both blue!

Apparently, blue items like those are often dyed with "cobalt," which is a substance that if you make contact with long enough, will rub off onto your skin and give you those patches of dirt. And no, they won't come off with soap and water, no matter how many times you wash yourself.

Good news: They do come off, but only with alcohol patches.

So if you think you're turning into a lizard or a dirty pig, before you go running to your skin doctor, try rubbing some alcohol patches on yourself first. If the residue comes off, you've probably fallen victim to the same cobalt dye that I did. If it doesn't, then good luck with your acanthosis nigricans (or whatever other skin disease applies)!

Extra Extra, Read All About It -- Man Chops Off His Own Penis! (*Eek!*)

I'm usually a "live and let live" kind of guy, but I don't know what it is lately -- I've been a little cranky. Maybe it's the stress from planning a wedding piling up, considering it's now just 80 days away... who knows?

But anyhow, I saw that Yahoo this morning featured a story on "Juicy Brucey" Jenner having had gender reassignment surgery in January 2017 (because they've got their daily Kardashian quota to meet, y'know?), and now the dude wants to cash in on that super private surgery by writing a memoir about it, while at the same time turning around and being all, like, "it's none of anybody's business." You're right, Bruce, it's not, so PLEASE stop making it our business! You getting your ding-a-ling removed does nothing to affect my life, so hey, man, have at it, but please stop telling me every last detail about it because, honestly, I don't give a hoot!

At least, I didn't! However, since you want to keep bringing your brand of crazy into the spotlight, fine, I'll add my two cents, too, and I'm sure it's nothing you've yet to hear. (This is why some things are probably best left private, and your "privates" should always be one of them!)

I just don't understand when we made it a thing to promote self-mutilation! It's not that you have the "wrong parts," it's that your brain thinks you do. "Gender Dysphoria," or "Gender Identity Disorder," is a mental condition. That's right, it's a disorder, Bruce. What your book won't tell us is the metric ton of counseling, hormone concoctions, plastic surgery and anti-depressants that you will now have to endure for the rest of your life to keep your body from doing what it naturally wants to do, and of course, ensuring you are the way you were "supposed to be." I mean no disrespect to trans people -- hell, I've even got one in my own family whom I love very dearly, but that doesn't change my thoughts on this topic -- and I don't want to hear "you don't understand" because, you're right, I don't, and you don't either, which is why the first thing you want to do is change yourself to the polar opposite of who and what you are in order to find contentment within yourself.

But hey, news flash: You can play make believe and dress up all you want, but no matter what you do to change yourself, it won't ever stop you from being who and what you are. No matter what you call yourself, when you look in the mirror, the same "Juicy Brucey" will always be staring back at you. Maybe before going and chopping off your penis to sell some books, you should've made peace with the inner Bruce, rather than the outer Caitlyn.

Good luck with your book, Mr. Olympian, and God bless the U.S.A.!

PS: Since I know you live and think like a Kardashian, next time you want to sell some books, please don't write about who you're sleeping with. I'm begging you, please don't! One weird breakfast having to read about penis-chopping was bad enough, I really don't need a second one reading about who'll be draining your swamp!

PPS: Can you and the entire Kardashian clan just get out of the news already? Really, the world needs a break from you all!